I am not living...
... I don't know if I am even a living being now. I am so void of feelings. Mum's going for operation soon and I am now here, feeling nothing. Not really sad, not really happy. Even then, she wants for a family meal at Tampines and somehow I am still giving excuses of tests. Am I really a living being?
Honestly, I don't even know what I want. Here I am, sobbing while typing. What's wrong with me? Why is my life so terribly bad? It's so frequent that I am lost. Lost not in the woods but in the mind. My mind is always thinking differently from my mouth. I do know what I am supposed to do but why is it that words voiced are usually hurting? How am I now going to help mum overcome this obstacle?
My life is thus contradictory. While I try to make myself happy, I feel as though I am out of my mind. Not that I am going bonkers but that of not knowing what I am doing. I am so lost, uncontrolled by my inner true self. The evil me is rising, dominating the kind soul deep within.
How I wish I could travel back in time, to the time when I was back in Primary One and have not journey North. What are friends to me? Wind. They come and go. It was really a terrible life that I had, shifting from one place to another so frequently that there is not much a point knowing my neighbours. Then, it was one year or less when we had to shift apartments. Reasons? I am not sure. Parents never reveal such information to young kids. We play, we laugh, we enjoy ourselves. But these are never long-lasting. Within one year, I would have been at the other side of town.
Is it really that hard to show one's concern for others? Deep within me, my soul is yearning for me to love. Love not just myself but the people around me. Yet, I feel as though I am a living puppet, always being controlled of what is to become of me. On the left there goes career pressure. On the right goes academic pressure. Is life really that pressurizing? I am now unaware of what is going on in my life. I am feeling as though I have lost control over it. I feel as though I am not the old humble me. The young innocent kid is dying.
Fly as the wind howls. Life is ever-changing for me. Where am I to stand?
Honestly, I don't even know what I want. Here I am, sobbing while typing. What's wrong with me? Why is my life so terribly bad? It's so frequent that I am lost. Lost not in the woods but in the mind. My mind is always thinking differently from my mouth. I do know what I am supposed to do but why is it that words voiced are usually hurting? How am I now going to help mum overcome this obstacle?
My life is thus contradictory. While I try to make myself happy, I feel as though I am out of my mind. Not that I am going bonkers but that of not knowing what I am doing. I am so lost, uncontrolled by my inner true self. The evil me is rising, dominating the kind soul deep within.
How I wish I could travel back in time, to the time when I was back in Primary One and have not journey North. What are friends to me? Wind. They come and go. It was really a terrible life that I had, shifting from one place to another so frequently that there is not much a point knowing my neighbours. Then, it was one year or less when we had to shift apartments. Reasons? I am not sure. Parents never reveal such information to young kids. We play, we laugh, we enjoy ourselves. But these are never long-lasting. Within one year, I would have been at the other side of town.
Is it really that hard to show one's concern for others? Deep within me, my soul is yearning for me to love. Love not just myself but the people around me. Yet, I feel as though I am a living puppet, always being controlled of what is to become of me. On the left there goes career pressure. On the right goes academic pressure. Is life really that pressurizing? I am now unaware of what is going on in my life. I am feeling as though I have lost control over it. I feel as though I am not the old humble me. The young innocent kid is dying.
Fly as the wind howls. Life is ever-changing for me. Where am I to stand?
posted by elyminator at
1:49 PM
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